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My Republican Bedtime Fantasies

I’m just back from a few days down in Florida from a visit to my cousin for Thanksgiving.  Fred and I grew up together in Rochester, NY (at one time we had a well-worn path through the fields between our two houses) and my holiday visit has now become an annual pilgrimage. This time, since temps were in the low 80’s, I spent most of my time on their patio reading and soaking up rays.  I have the one-sided chest tan to prove it!  

Back here in DC things have been quiet as they normally are during the holiday season since everyone hightails it back to Idaho, California, Michigan, Lebanon or Bombay where their families still live.  Us long-time DC residents savor the holidays because METRO is un-crowded, the Mall is walkable without having to run interference from hoards of tourists with those status symbol mega-strollers, we can sit in our favorite spot in movie theaters and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, we get a break from all the lame-ass blather from “the Hill” as we call it.  Yes, thank God, nearly all of our brilliant Senators and Congressmen (and women) go back to their home districts for the holidays.  What a bloody relief!

Of course now their absence is a bit more noticeable since – on the Republican side of the aisle – we don’t get our daily “comedy fix” when they are out of town.  Used to be that our break from the mind-mushing DC political scene came from “Saturday Night Live,” or even further back, “Laugh-In.” Today its “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” but I have to say that I do miss the quotidian news feeds about our Republican candidates for President.  I look forward to the early morning news shows, my daily Washington – used to be a political force- Post, the NYT, and the Huffington Post for my daily political comedy fix.  So to alleviate my boredom during this holiday season, I’ve been thinking about how each of the Republican presidential candidates would be as a lover.  You know, how good do you think each would be in the communal bed?  In some low-rent hotel room out on New York Avenue, I suspect, given the Tea Party values they all seem to espouse.   But, hey, times are hard!  

First, let’s start with Sarah Palin.  No, she is not an official candidate, but, come on, you know damned well that should she see an opening she will thrust herself into the fray and stroke it to death!  Dear Sarah. She is somewhat of a ball-buster even though her hubby is kind of hunky to say nothing of her son Levi. I mean, Levi, please throw me down and tie me up man!  But Sarah as a sexual partner? Well, I would be just the least bit cautious.  I’m already missing my prostate gland and I would be very very reluctant to risk giving up one – or both – of my testicles to her.  She is not unattractive (though not my type) but you have to admit that the Moose killing, fish goring, shotgun wielding huntress is just a tad bit intimidating.  Really.  I mean tell me, gay or straight, would you risk even a one-night assignation with Alaska’s short term ex-governor?  No, I didn’t think so.  Neither would I.

Then there’s Michelle Bachmann.  First off, (let’s get this out of the way) I’m not casting dispersions on her hubby, but that man is as gay as they come.  Sure, he may not know it yet but pleeeeeze!   Just look at the guy. I don’t mean to be cruel, but curing gay men?  Penn State anyone?   We can tell.  But this is about his spouse, the Congresswoman from Minnesota.  What are my thoughts on bedding Michelle?  Well, I have to say that, like Moose schtupping Sarah, she really isn’t my type.  I’m just not into puffy, locked-in-place hairdos that don’t budge in a hurricane. She is attractive in a Middle Class, hetero way and maybe this is how she got elected.  But somehow I just can’t see myself humping a woman whose brain doesn’t seem to be connected to her mouth.  Or anywhere else for that matter. You know, it’s the old adage that it’s the brain that is our largest sexual organ.  (Several, if not most, of my male friends would dispute this scientific finding believing that the size of a different sexual organ is the seat of sexual pleasure but then they’re all size queens anyway. Just ignore them.) So I have to conclude that sex with Michelle would not be all that pleasant. I, for one, do believe that the brain is important in sexual relations and I can’t conceive of schtupping Michele given that I honestly don’t have a lot of respect for her brain power.   Now if I could fuck her brains OUT then maybe we could get somewhere!!  I would do this if I thought it would bring her back to some sort of reality-based existence. Fat Chance.

 

Ok so let’s start with the men.  Sure, you say, this is my sweet spot. Well, in looking over the male Republican field, I have to say that the potential pickings, while plentiful, do seem a bit sketchy.  There are possibilities though, however meager.  But let’s proceed.

Rick Perry.  You have to admit that the guy is quite handsome in a rugged, east Texas, rough trade cowboy kind of way.  I mean could you envision meeting Rick in a Houston gay bar decked out in buttocks exposing leather chaps, form fitting embroidered and tasseled cowboy shirt, black leather cowboy hat and a yellow hankie perched in his back pocket?  Yeah, I could.  I mean he has those take charge,  “I’ll fuck you before you can say hello” kind of looks that are a real turn on to a certain segment of gay men.  Me?  Well I can’t say that I’m not curious but I’d have to see what he’s packing first.  I mean all of us gay men have been bamboozled by rugged good looks and cowboy charms only to be disappointed when it comes to the real deal in bed.  But I’m not dismissing Rick.  He remains a potential hook up. 

Herman Cain.  Well what can you say about this man? I would think, with all of the allegations of sexual harassment, that Herman is a man who loves sex.  And a 13 year “affair” – hey, at least he knows what “LTR” means!  So this is a plus in my mind.  I mean anyone who so blatantly hunts for sex on the street can’t be all bad.  Right?  And you have to admit that he does have this fuzzy, cuddly, Big Bear kind of demeanor, doesn’t he?  But then there is the example of Big Black Man Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas who, from my point of view, is so bloody pussy-whipped by his white wife that he’s lost his Black-men-with-big-dicks cultural heritage and resides in some nether world of sexual limbo.  Cain?  Well even though a large, bear-like Black man, I have a feeling that he would never endorse gay rights.  After all, he IS a businessman.  (Of course you have to think about all those porn videos involving pizza delivery men – I mean it’s a niche genre onto itself!) On the other hand you have to consider how deeply on the “down low” many Black men are. And yet his no-nonsense, shoot from the hip, business background is very attractive.  (Hey baby “What are ya packing for me between those big muscular thighs of yours?”) So the bottom line for me (and yes I would bottom for Herman providing his measurement measures up! We all know that “9” is pretty good! I mean not humongous, maybe, but very adequate! ) But I’m holding back on having sex with Herman.  Until he reveals the size of his dick.  Until then I’m hedging my bets.  The man is just way to squirrely. 

Mitt Romney.  First of all, I don’t care what fucking religion Mitt is.  It’s totally unimportant to me.  Christian, Moslem, Hindu, Jewish, Zoroastrian – it doesn’t matter. I’m only interested in what a man thinks and how good he gets down, so to speak. I can tell you that there are a multitude of young gay men who are creaming in their pants (zippers open men!) every time they see Mitt on the telly.  He has that preppy, slightly off-center, mature persona that my younger friends find soooooooo appealing.  Sure he doesn’t run around in cashmere sweaters and argyle socks a lot but you can tell that if he wasn’t running for president this would be his de-rigor daily outfit.  Handsome? Trust me, that wavy head of hair of his sparks no end of jerk-off fantasies among gay men. Calm and polished to a fault, Daddy Mitt’s sexual attraction stands way out front, like a visible hard on in his pressed khakis.  Sure, Republican Tea Party types find him anathema but younger gay men find him enormously attractive.  And for good reason.  Except for his politics.  And this, in my mind, is his downfall.  Yes, as a mature, handsome, not unintelligent, ambitious politician Mitt is probably first in the running for the gay Republican vote.  (Well Newt has just stolen some of his thunder, but tell me, who would prefer Newt to Mitt in bed? Not even close!!!) Mitt personifies all the stereotypes of over achieving gay men and, bless them all, they are a very potent force in the struggle for gay rights.  Me and Mitt? Well, I’d have to say that absent his politics (and I’m not exactly sure what his politics are at this point) he would be the front runner in my “who would you most like to have sex with” poll among the Republican Presidential candidate field.  I know that many of my friends will deride me for this conclusion but what can I say?  The man is hot!!  And he dresses better than all the other candidates. Both male and female.

 

As for the rest of them – well, what can I say?  Sure Ron Paul has to moisten the pants of the gay, “Big Bang Theory” geek crowd, and Newt Gingrich has to be the “bear to end all bears” for the “I won’t succumb to the dictates of the gay, hairless twink crowd” but drilling down into the rest of the Republican candidates, there’s not all that much to take note of.  Yes, I have to say that John Huntsman has a certain animal appeal, Rick Santorum really doesn’t cut it sexually for me and for the time being I find both the Republican men and the women candidates just a bit lackluster when it comes to exciting the “peter meter.”

And lest you think that I am biased, I still think that Obama is our best shot.  None of the Republicans have the sexual appeal of our President.  Sure, I know that one doesn’t (shouldn’t) rate the sexual attractiveness of our public officials in deciding whom to vote for but tell me, have you seen the YouTube videos of Obama’s “dangling participle” in his pants? Trust me.  It looks as if Obama is very much in line with the urban fantasy about Black men.  And he’s smart too!  But, hey, for me, in this era of fantasy politics and other worldly candidates, I’m down with making my political decisions based on dick size.  Normal criteria don’t seem to apply this year so I’m going back to basics and trusting my instincts. Size, absent other qualifications, does matter!  

Have a good day.